Husbands, Love Your Wives, and Be Not Bitter Against Them!

 
Dennis Edwards

When I was busy writing my on-line book, found here, I would sleep with a notebook and a pencil or pen at the side of my bed. I would often wake in the early hours of the morning around 6:00 am or earlier with a whole chapter, or complete ideas for a chapter, running through my head. In the Psalms we read that God prepares our thoughts in the night seasons, Psalm 16:7; and His voice is the hand of a ready writer, Psalm 45:1c. In other words, as we sleep, God guides or prepares our thoughts for the next day. He is spiritually working, perhaps through our guardian angels, to plant ideas or thoughts in our heads to help us fulfil the mission He has for each and every one of us. He is also waiting for us to pick up pen and paper and yearn to hear His voice. When we do, He will speak to us. As we begin to write, we find that we are moved along with His guidance. He fills us by the power of the Holy Spirit with His wonderful words of life and our pen becomes His tongue.  

In one of those early morning experience, I remember being half awake and in a dreamlike state, when God spoke to my heart, as though I was hearing an audible voice: “Husbands, love your wives and be not bitter against them.” I woke up and wrote down the verse so as not to forget the experience later in the morning. I lay there meditating. Was I letting bitterness into my heart and becoming bitter against my wife? My initial reaction was, why was God giving that verse to me? I’m not bitter against my wife. But knowing that the voice that I heard in the morning was God’s voice, I did not just brush it aside. I searched my heart. As I did, I found that indeed I was becoming bitter against her. I was guilty and God was right. He helped me correct my attitude and save my marriage. If we let bitterness grow in our relationship with our wives, or in any other relationships we have with others, that bitterness will destroy the relationship with that individual. However, it will not end there. The roots of bitterness grow, like some underground roots of a tree or a plant grow and sprout new growth. In like manner, bitterness does not stay stagnant, but spreads itself and negatively affects others touched by its toxicity.

Why does Apostle Paul tell husbands to love their wives and not be bitter against them? Could it be that the normal state of affairs is for husbands to get bitter with their wives? Let’s read what Paul wrote to have a better understanding.

“Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfectness. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by Him. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. … Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. Servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eye-service, as men-pleasers; but in singleness of heart, fearing God: and whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.” Colossians 3:12-24.

The parallel section is found in Ephesians 5:19-33.

“Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord; giving thanks always to God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of the Lord. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the Saviour of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it; that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So, ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”

Four times in the above passage Apostle Paul admonishes the husband to love his wife. Four times also he admonishes the wife to be subject to her husband. It may be that the tendency of the husband is to get bitter against his wife and stop loving her. It may be that the tendency of the wife is to lose respect for her husband and stop submitting to him. God addresses those two tendencies speaking to both parties individually.

Apostle Peter, also, addresses the subject of marriage. We will read his passage in 1 Peter 3:1-12.

“Likewise, you wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters you are, as long as you do well, and are not afraid with any amazement (or sudden calamity). Likewise, you husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. Finally, be you all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful (kind-hearted), be courteous: not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that you are thereunto called, that you should inherit a blessing. For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile: let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue  (or pursue) it. For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and His ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.”

Just before starting the above passage Apostle Peter had been talking about the importance of the Christian being willing to submit himself to the ordinances of man, to the king, and unto governors. He told servants to be in subjection to their masters, even to the froward. He admonishes us, because of our conscious toward God, to be willing to “endure grief, suffering wrongfully.” He says the Christian attitude must be one that accepts patiently unjust suffering, “because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that we should follow His steps: Who did no sin, neither was guile found in His mouth: Who, when He was reviled, reviled not again; when He suffered, He threatened not; but committed Himself to Him that judges righteously,” 1 Peter 2:21b-23. From here, Peter launches into his discourse on marriage and starts with the wives being subject unto their husbands.

Would we reduce the number of divorces if husbands and wives followed the admonitions of the Apostles? Perhaps it was easier for the 1^st century wife to submit to her husband, who was usually the supporter of the home, while the wife was the home caretaker. However, the Bible is full of examples of wives leading their husbands astray. Eve disobeyed Adam and God when she ate from the forbidden tree of knowledge of good and evil. Jezebel of Ahab continually led him to do evil. Herodias of Herod devises a plan to end the life of John the Baptist against her husband’s conscience. David’s wife Michal, the daughter of Saul, despised David because of his public display of dancing abandonly before the Lord, as a result, she was barren unto her death. Marian, the sister of Moses, rose up with her older brother, against Moses, and was stricken with leprosy.

On the side of good, we see Pilate’s wife who warned him to not condemn Jesus, but Pilate feared the power of the Jewish leaders and their influence in Rome, over the good counsel of his wife. We see Queen Ester using her influence with the King for good to save her people from destruction at the hand of their enemies. We see Rebekah of Isaac deceiving her husband with her son Jacob so that Jacob would receive the blessing. In the later Jewish writings, they say that Rebekah was following God in her deception, because it was God's will to bless Jacob, and Rebekah was more aware of that truth than her aged husband Isaac. In the story of Ruth, we see a young widow, submit to her mother-in-law and marry a distant wealthy older relative and end up in the genealogy of Jesus.  

The subject of the submission of the wife to the husband seems to be old-fashion and out of date in today’s culture. Are we, as God’s children, to follow the culture or the Word of God? The author of Hebrews answers: “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God,” Romans 12:1-2. Apostle Paul said it clearly that husbands and wives should submit themselves one to another, Ephesians 5:21. Someone in the marriage needs to take the lead and start walking in love, whatever that entails. Jesus said He came not to be ministered unto to but to minister. He said, He did not act as a Master, but rather as a servant and admonished us to serve one another. He said the greatest amongst us, would be he that was doing the most serving.

In our marriages, are we serving one another? Are we complementing one another? Are we laying down our lives for one another? “They two shall be one flesh,” are we acting like one unit, even if we have different ministries and callings? Are we husbands, acting like Christ? Or are we demanding respect and obedience. Maybe if we acted like Christ and followed Jesus closely our wives would naturally respect us and submit to us. Are we making it difficult for them by being disobedient to God? Are we lording our position of authority over them, rather than being an example unto them? I don’t have the solution, but I believe Jesus is the solution. He is the way the truth and the life.

If one of the members of the marriage will follower Jesus closely and treat their mate as Jesus would, I believe the marriage could be salvaged. However, if both parties are turning a blind eye and ear to the admonitions in Scripture, it is going to be hard to find a solution. Don’t expect your mate to be the one to follow God. You must do it. Take up your cross and follow God and lay down your life in love for your mate and God may very well bring new life into your marriage where it seems only darkness and death remain. Take the path of humility and obedience to God and trust that He will bless your efforts in submission to the King of Kings. Win your wife or husband to Jesus by your kind and loving sample. “For now, abides faith, hope, and love, these three; but the greatest of these is love,” 1 Corinthians 13:13.