Here’s What Happened When I Complimented Everyone I Met for an Entire Day

By Jeff Haden, Inc. Nov. 3, 2016

No one gets enough praise. No one gets enough recognition. The reason is simple: Very few of us praise and recognize people as often as we should. I know I don’t.

So in the spirit of challenging myself (like when I was foolish enough to 5,000 pushups in one day), I decided I would compliment everyone I ran into for an entire day–even just in passing, whether I knew them or not, whether it seemed socially appropriate or not…and whether or not I could think of something (anything) I could compliment them about.

While that might sound easier than doing 5,000 pushups, for me it wasn’t. I’m fairly shy and don’t go out of my way to speak to people I don’t know. (You might even argue that I go out of my way not to speak to people I don’t know.)

And here’s how that little experiment went.

Challenges work best when you impose structure, helping you stay on track and reducing the temptation to lose resolve and rationalize that you should change your goal midstream.

For this challenge, the structure was simple:

If I made eye contact with someone, I had to compliment them in some way…

… and to make sure I never chickened out, I had to actively try to make eye contact. I couldn’t intentionally look away.

But I didn’t have to compliment people already having a conversation, or on the phone, or wearing headphones.

And I couldn’t hide away all day. I had to go out into the world at least four times.

So with that in mind…

Morning. The first few were really easy.

I was rolling the trash out to the street and saw my neighbor. She has a great collection of plants and flowers, so I said, “I’m always impressed by how beautiful your plants are. You have a real gift.” Her face lit up. I don’t think I made her day, but I do think I helped get her day off to a good start.

Then I went for a quick walk on the beach. Since it’s fall, many of the people I met were walking their dogs or throwing balls into the surf for them to retrieve.

“You have a beautiful dog,” I said to the first one. He smiled and I realized I had complimented his dog, not him. Although many dog owners don’t see a difference…still.

So I followed up with, “She always seems so happy. You must take really good care of her.” He beamed and I realized I was right: Complimenting a person’s dog (or child or car or whatever) is nice, but making the compliment personal makes a bigger impact.

So that’s what I did. I told one man he had done an amazing job training his dog. I complimented a lady on what a great job she did grooming her dog.

I felt pretty smug. Complimenting people was easier than I thought.

Then, off in the distance, I saw a fit, pretty, 20-something young woman headed my way. No dog. No third person-ish thing to compliment. Uh-oh.

I didn’t want to be that guy, that older guy who goes around randomly complimenting young women and comes off creepy and, well, icky.

I started to walk slower. I was thinking furiously but had nothing.

Then, from about 20 feet away, she made eye contact and smiled; not a half smile, not an automatic “good morning” smile, but a big, genuine smile.

I smiled back and said, “Thanks.”

“For what?” she said.

“Lots of times when I’m walking people don’t even make eye contact. I’ve always thought that was kind of rude. You seeming so happy and saying hi was really nice.”

She smiled even bigger and said, “How could I not be happy when I’m out here? Have a great day.”

I know: What I came up with was pretty lame. But I like to think she walked away feeling good about herself, if only for a moment or two, which was the whole point of the exercise.

Afternoon. Except for a few miscues, by this point I was rolling. I had learned to quickly size people up and pick out something obvious to compliment: how they cared for their animals, how they landscaped their yards, even how they dressed.

Yep: I even managed to whip out a, “That is such a pretty sweater–I wish I had your fashion sense.” (And to my surprise, she took it well.)

Then I went to the grocery store.

And let’s just say that no one in a grocery store expects you to walk by and compliment them–not even the people who work there.

I wanted to give up. In some settings, it seemed, compliments are not just unexpected but also unwanted.

But I decided to try one more time, but with a twist. I decided to ask for help, because asking for help is implicitly complimentary: If I ask you for help, that means you know something I don’t know, can do something I can’t do…asking you for help is like saying, “I respect your knowledge/skill/experience.”

That’s what I did. I was in the seafood section and made eye contact with a 30-something woman. She didn’t smile or nod (gulp!) but I forged ahead.

“I’m terrible at picking the right piece of salmon,” I said. “Can I bother you for a second and ask you to help me?” And she did. She actually seemed to enjoy it.

And I got to say, “I really appreciate it. Thanks for helping me, and for being so nice.”

Evening. I went to the gym.

On one hand, it was easier: Most people wear headphones when they work out, so that eliminated them from my challenge.

On the other hand, moving from bench to squat rack to machines to free weights meant at some point I ran into almost everyone who was at the gym.

Still. One guy was benching 325 pounds for reps. Easy compliment. A woman was doing a split and then laying all the way forward on the mat. Another easy compliment. A guy jumped in and helped an apparent newcomer with his form on squats; presumptuous, yes, but also kind, since the way the guy was bending his back was a recipe for injury. When I ran into the Good Samaritan a few minutes later it was easy for me to say, “That was really nice of you to help him out.”

Then I found myself doing pull-downs near a guy doing seated rows. And I had nothing.

Then I noticed the tattoo on his forearm. And I was in. “I really like your tattoo,” I said.

He smiled, said thanks, and then spent the next five minutes talking all about it: where he got it, how he came up with the design, what it means to him…. And I realized that sometimes the easiest thing to compliment is the thing that people seem to want you to notice or are obviously proud of: a tattoo, a piercing, an unusual hair color…a Porsche, a Hayabusa, a tricked-out truck…almost everyone has something they do or say or wear that they feel represents who they are inside. All you have to do is look for it.

What I Learned. I can’t say it was easy. Complimenting every person I ran into got easier, but never easy. It’s not hard to compliment people you meet who are doing their jobs: grocery clerks, managers, front-desk people at the gym…saying thanks and telling them they did something well is fairly easy.

All you have to do is remember to do it.

Complimenting “random” people is harder but surprisingly rewarding. It was fun to watch people’s faces light up.

You’ll think so, too. Every day, people around you do good things. Most of those people don’t work for you; in fact, most of them have no relationship with you, professional or personal. Compliment them for something they would least expect.

Expected feels good.

Unexpected makes an even bigger impact.

Most of all, make the compliment personal. Compliment what the person did to achieve a certain outcome, not the outcome itself.

And never be afraid to ask for help, because the act of asking is a compliment in itself–and then gives you the chance to praise someone for his or her knowledge and skill.

Give it a try. Commit to complimenting five people today, or 10, or nearly everyone you meet.

It’s not easy, but I promise you’ll make the day brighter for at least a few people–and you’ll learn a little something about yourself, too.

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British court delivers blow to E.U. exit plan, insists Parliament has a say

By Griff Witte, Washington Post, November 3, 2016

LONDON–A senior British court on Thursday dealt a severe blow to Prime Minister Theresa May’s plans to begin the process of exiting the European Union early next year, ruling she must get Parliament’s approval before she acts.

The decision greatly complicates May’s stated plan to trigger Article 50–the never-before-used mechanism for a country to leave the European Union–by the end of next March at the latest.

Most members of Parliament opposed Brexit in the lead-up to Britain’s June referendum, when voters opted for an exit by a 52-to-48 margin.

May’s lawyers argued that she had the right to begin the Brexit process without first getting Parliament’s consent. But a London-based High Court sided with a group of plaintiffs who contended that Parliament must first weigh in.

May will now have to decide whether to appeal to the Supreme Court. If she does, the proceedings could extend well into next year.

The court’s decision stunned British political and legal observers, who until Thursday had expected a ruling in the government’s favor.

It sparked an immediate rally in Britain’s beleaguered currency, the pound, as traders reacted to the possibility that Britain’s E.U. exit could be significantly delayed–or even blocked.

The pound has been battered since the referendum, and has been one of the worst performing currencies anywhere in the world this year. London’s FTSE exchange remained down slightly despite the announcement, but other markets, including France’s CAC, were higher in midday trading.

The court ruling–assuming it is not overturned on appeal–sets up a crucial decision in Parliament. Members of the ruling Conservative Party were almost evenly split on whether Britain should stay in the E.U. or leave when the country voted June 23. But solid majorities of the other major parties in Parliament–including Labour, the Scottish National Party and the Liberal Democrats–all opposed an exit.

May, who took office in July following the resignation of David Cameron, has only a narrow majority in Parliament and could struggle to pass legislation authorizing the start of Britain’s departure.

Thursday’s ruling is only the latest setback for pro-Brexit forces in Britain.

May’s government has struggled to put together coherent strategy for the tough negotiations to come with Europe if Britain goes ahead with departure plans. European leaders, meanwhile, have been fairly united in their insistence that Britain will not be given a special deal.

The negotiations are likely to focus on the trade-off between Britain’s desire both to control E.U. immigration into the country and to retain access to the E.U.’s common market. Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson, a leading Brexit proponent, has said the government’s objective in the talks “should be having our cake and eating it.”

But European leaders have said that won’t be possible, and that Britain will have to allow immigrants if it wants to maintain the market access that is at the core of its trading relationships with Europe.

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Is God really dead? How Britain lost faith in the church

By Katie Edwards and Meredith J C Warren, Religion News Service, October 29, 2016

Is God dead?

Fifty years ago, on April 8, 1966, a Time magazine cover asked just that question.

The same could be asked in Britain today.

The Church of England recently announced it was considering dropping the requirement for weekly church services in parish churches in the wake of dwindling attendance that show no sign of bouncing back for at least a generation. Low church attendance is frequently in the news, but looking deeper into the phenomenon reveals what the underlying issues really are.

The Church of England has been suffering from a conflict of values with its members, especially the under-25s. Recent debates around same-sex marriage, abortion and female bishops, have threatened to split the church and alienate a significant proportion of its congregation. Throughout ongoing controversies, including the lack of support for policies on women, the Church of England has come across as outdated.

The situation has been exacerbated by the comments of senior church figures such as the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, who lamented earlier this year that “the culture [is] becoming anti-Christian, whether it is on matters of sexual morality, or the care for people at the beginning or end of life. It is easy to paint a very gloomy picture.”

As Church of England congregations age and young people reject organised religion, the atrophy of traditional parish churches seems to be unremitting.

In contrast, attendance at Evangelical and Pentecostal churches has increased over the last several decades. Between 2015 and 2013, attendance in London Pentecostal churches increased by 50 percent. This is at odds with Church of England attendance, which has gone down by 9 percent over the same period. While many Anglican churches have made an effort to welcome new immigrants and support refugees, the message has not been unequivocally supportive; evangelical churches are more highly regarded by Christians who have recently arrived in the U.K.

The rise of charismatic church attendance by recent arrivals to the U.K illustrates that these communities offer something the Church of England does not.

While the demographics of church attendance have shifted over the past few decades, as indeed they have since Christianity first emerged as a religion in its own right, interest in religion itself has increased sharply. For instance, religion is the fastest-growing A-level subject in all of the humanities, social sciences, and arts, increasing a whopping 110 percent since 2003.

This is despite growing anxiety about how to teach religion in schools, some of which has resulted in backwards curriculum redesign or ineffective teaching that may be discouraging students from learning more about the subject.

It’s not quite true to say, then, that young people are becoming more secular–interest in faith, belief and spirituality seems to be on the increase. Grace Davie’s concept of “believing without belonging” might be a more useful way to understand young people’s apparent rejection of the church.

In the nineties, Davie, a sociologist of religion, coined the phrase to describe the shifting nature of religiosity from communal and active to individual and inactive. She argued that religious believing in the UK has become detached from religious belonging, which reflects a wider social shift to individualism. Young people’s “rejection” of the church, then, could be a reflection of the “implicit religion of the British people” by which belief in a Christian God doesn’t equate to church attendance.

The idea of the UK as a Christian nation has been challenged in recent years. What is clear, however, is that religion is even more a factor in public life and personal interest than it ever has been.

More people than ever are choosing to learn about religion and what it means for a world that increasingly believes itself to be secular. This challenges society to reflect on how it defines religious literacy–and that is a good thing. God, then, isn’t dead. People are just looking for him in a different way.

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Religion may be a miracle drug

Tyler J. VanderWeele and John Siniff, USA Today, October 28, 2016

If one could conceive of a single elixir to improve the physical and mental health of millions of Americans–at no personal cost–what value would our society place on it?

Going a step further, if research quite conclusively showed that when consumed just once a week, this concoction would reduce mortality by 20% to 30% over a 15-year period, how urgently would we want to make it publicly available?

The good news is that this miracle drug–religion, and more specifically regular church attendance–is already in reach of most Americans. In fact, there’s a good chance it’s just a short drive away.

Indeed, health and religion are very much connected. Professor VanderWeele’s new research with colleagues at Harvard University–building on more than 20 years of prior work in this area–suggests that attending religious services brings about better physical and mental health. Adults who do so at least once a week versus not at all have been shown to have a significantly lower risk of dying over the next decade and a half. The results have been replicated in enough studies and populations to be considered quite reliable.

This science does not endorse one faith over another or suggest what society is to do with such information. But there are two opportunities–one societal and one personal–for good to come from this work. The news media, the academy and the broader public could use this new understanding to weigh religion’s greater societal value. And for individuals, this research provides a not-so-subtle invitation to reconsider what religion can do for them.

Nearly half of the country–roughly 2 in 5 Americans–reports having attended a religious service in the past week. The draw for many may be meaningful liturgy, perhaps a sense of forgiveness and ultimately, salvation. Few would say they come for good health. Why might attending services improve one’s health? The Nurses’ Health Study finds that social support is critical, yet this accounts for only about a quarter of the effect. Other mechanisms seem to be important as well, possibly due to behavioral norms at services. For instance, those attending are less likely to smoke, or more likely to quit altogether, producing significant health benefits.

Religious service attendance affects mental health, too. The research at Harvard and elsewhere indicates that, possibly due to a message of faith or hope, those who attend services are more optimistic and have lower rates of depression. The research from Harvard has also shown that attendance protects against suicide. Others have found that churchgoers report having a greater purpose in life and developing more self-control–both mechanisms by which service attendance might affect health.

Today, a greater percentage of Americans are choosing no religion at all, and we are witnessing the erosion of religious institutions. For some, church attendance is seen as quaint and outdated, and “spirituality” has become a code word for, “No thanks, I’m sleeping in on Sunday.” What this go-it-alone movement will usher out, it seems, is the benefits of being in the pews. After all, the research has shown that service attendance, rather than private spirituality or solitary practice, strongly predicts health. Something about communal religious participation appears to be essential.

What to make of all this? First, the associations between religion and health should force us to re-evaluate religion’s role in society and public life. Religion is often perceived negatively today, and at times it’s well earned. But the effects of religious participation are often profoundly positive, a point too often neglected or ignored. The health benefits can be added to a long list of virtues found with an active religious life.

Attending religious services has been shown to increase the likelihood of a stable marriage, to elevate one’s sense of meaning, and to expand one’s social network. It leads to greater charitable giving and more robust volunteering and civic engagement. The effects are profound across numerous domains of life. This has important implications for the extent to which society promotes and protects religious institutions, the maintenance of their non-profit tax-exempt status, and how the contribution of such institutions is portrayed in the media, the academy, and beyond.

Second, on a more personal level, for the roughly half of all Americans who believe in God but do not regularly attend services, the relationship between service attendance and health might constitute an invitation back to church. Something about the communal religious experience and participation matters. Something powerful appears to take place there, and enhances health. It is something quite different from solitary spirituality.

Where else today do we find a community with a shared moral and spiritual vision, a sense of accountability, wherein the central task of members is to love and care for one another? The combination of the teachings, the relationships and the spiritual practices–over time, week after week, taken together–gradually alters behavior, creates meaning, alleviates loneliness, and shapes a person in ways too numerous to document.

Who could possibly conceive of such an elixir, one that stands to change society in ways small and large, subtle and profound? We’ll leave that question to a higher power.

Tyler J. VanderWeele is a professor of epidemiology at the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health. John Siniff is a former editor at USA TODAY’s Editorial Page and founder of the newspaper’s On Religion weekly series that examined the intersection of faith and public life.

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Erdogan Rides Patriotic Wave With Crackdown at Home, Combative Policy Abroad

Reuters, Oct. 31, 2016

ISTANBUL–In the three and half months since a failed military coup, Turkey has sacked or suspended more than 110,000 people, launched a military incursion into Syria, and repeatedly threatened to do the same in Iraq.

To cheers from his supporters, President Tayyip Erdogan, evoking the glories of Turkey’s Ottoman past, has vowed to root out enemies at home and abroad, from followers of the cleric he blames for the coup attempt, to Kurdish militants and Islamic State jihadists.

The unprecedented crackdown at home and his bellicose stance on the world stage have alarmed Western and some regional allies, who fear the NATO member and EU candidate nation is becoming an ever more unpredictable partner, and one over which they have decreasing leverage.

In the latest purge, police on Monday detained the editor and senior staff of the Cumhuriyet newspaper–one of few outlets still critical of Erdogan–over its alleged support for the July putsch. A senior EU politician described it as crossing a red line against freedom of expression, while the U.S. State Department expressed deep concern.

Erdogan is riding a wave of patriotism as the ruling AK Party he founded seeks constitutional change to move Turkey to a fully presidential system which would give him greater executive powers.

“What’s happening domestically and in terms of Turkey’s foreign policy are a political tactic to keep solid the alliance between the base of the AKP and the nationalists,” said Sinan Ulgen, a former Turkish diplomat and analyst at Carnegie Europe.

“This alliance is keen on harsh policies on the Kurdish issue, looks to be in favor of reinstating the death penalty, and we can’t really say they regard the preservation of freedom of speech and of the media very highly,” he told Reuters.

There is no sign of any easing in Turkish policy at home or abroad, given the need to ensure nationalist support for the constitutional changes that Erdogan and the ruling party want to result from a referendum, which AKP officials have said could be held next spring.

The nationalist MHP opposition party, many of its fervently patriotic members supportive of Erdogan’s stance since the coup, has indicated it could back the AKP in parliament as it seeks support for the referendum on the presidential system.

But while the purges at home may continue–Monday’s action at Cumhuriyet came a day after 10,000 more civil servants were dismissed and 15 media outlets shut down–the strident words on foreign policy may not translate so readily into action.

Erdogan warned this month that Turkey “will not wait until the blade is against our bone” in going after its enemies abroad and has hinted at a possible incursion into Iraq if a U.S.-backed assault against Islamic State in the city of Mosul causes sectarian strife which threatens Turkey’s borders.

Frustrated that it has not been more involved in the Mosul operation, Sunni Muslim Turkey says it has a responsibility to protect ethnic Turkmens and Sunni Arabs in the area, once part of the Ottoman empire. It fears Shi’ite militias, which on Saturday joined the offensive west of Mosul, will provoke ethnic bloodletting.

A Turkish ground operation would, however, be fraught with danger, risking embroiling its military in a third front as it pursues an offensive against Islamic State in Syria and against Kurdish PKK militants in its own southeast.

“Turkey is an impactful actor within its region, but has to correctly appreciate its weight,” said Aydin Selcen, a retired diplomat who was Turkey’s first consul general in Erbil, the capital of northern Iraq’s autonomous Kurdish region.

“History is like a huge supermarket where you can find what you want. You can choose a historical perspective created to rally the masses. But you can neither build a foreign policy nor a military strategy based on that,” he told Reuters, alluding to the Ottoman references in Erdogan’s speeches.

Carnegie Europe’s Ulgen also doubted Turkey would embark on measures such as a ground offensive in Iraq, casting it as rhetoric for a domestic audience. But he noted such words risked undermining Turkey’s credibility and had unintended consequences for foreign policy.

“Turkey now finds itself facing tougher opposition abroad and is losing its ability to strike alliances, not only with its traditional partners but with regional actors as well,” he said.

The crackdown at home is doing little to help.

European Parliament President Martin Schulz wrote on Twitter that the detentions at Cumhuriyet marked the crossing of ‘yet another red-line’ against freedom of expression. “The ongoing massive purge seems motivated by political considerations, rather than legal and security rationale,” he said.

Since the attempted coup, 170 newspapers, magazines, television stations and news agencies have been shut down, leaving 2,500 journalists unemployed, the Turkish journalists’ association said in a statement protesting the detentions.

Opposition groups say the purges are being used to silence all dissent.

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