Six Habits Of People Who Make Friends Easily

Stephanie Vozza, Fast Company, June 22, 2016:

Friendships are more beneficial than just sharing laughs over a cup of coffee. A lack of strong relationships increases your risk of premature death from all causes by 50%, according to research from Harvard University. That’s the same mortality risk as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. If your social life is looking light, it might be time to make some new friends, but it doesn’t have to be an intimidating and awkward process.

“Get it out of your head that it’s harder to make friends when you’re older,” says sociologist Jan Yager, author of Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives. “It can actually be easier because you know who you are, and what kind of friend you would like.”

The secret to making new friends is as simple as being open to it. Here are six things you can do to fill your calendar and forge new friendships:

Be approachable. The first impression sets the stage on whether a person will be communicating with you or not, says psychotherapist Richard E. Toney. “The key is your facial expression,” he says. “Think about people who you’ve seen in grocery stores, airports, and even in long lines that are near you. If you see them grimacing and frowning, you more than likely will not communicate with that person because they do not appear approachable or even nice.”

An inviting smile or a courteous head nod could go a long way in allowing people to know that you are available and open to communicating, he says. And being a good listener is a big part of being approachable, adds Yager. “Too many focus on sharing with others, forgetting that they need to be there for their new relationships that might become friends,” she says.

Get involved in activities you enjoy. One of the best ways to make new friends is to meet people with whom you share a common interest, says John Boese, founder of GoFindFriends.com, a website that helps New Yorkers find new friends. Turn your hobby into a social activity by joining a meetup.com group or social sport league, he suggests.

Going to places that you enjoy allows you to be around like-minded individuals, adds Toney. “It is easy to start up a conversation about things that you like,” he says. “Once you find someone who has similar interests to yours, you can exchange phone numbers or email addresses and keep in touch.”

Have a positive attitude. “Feeling positive is one of the absolute requirements of friendship, and how we choose who we want to spend time with,” says Shasta Nelson, CEO of GirlFriendCircles.com, an online community that helps connect women, and author of Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness.

Figure out ways to help other people feel better for having spent time with you. Saying “thank you,” being encouraging, asking questions, validating feelings, and smiling are all ways of affirming new friends, she says.

“Researchers have found that if you say good things about other people, people tend to remember you as having those positive qualities.”

People don’t like to be around others who are negative all the time, adds Keith Rollag, author of What to Do When You’re New. “Researchers have found that if you say good things about other people, people tend to remember you as having those positive qualities,” he says. “For example, if you tell a new coworker that your previous boss is a friendly, helpful person, they will likely walk away remembering you as somewhat friendly and helpful, too. But if you complain that your previous boss was an egotistical jerk, they may see a few of those qualities in you, too.”

Don’t wait for others to make the first move. While you can feel vulnerable approaching someone for the first time, the other person may have even more reluctance, says Rollag. “Just go for it,” he says. “What’s the worst that can happen?”

Relationships are built on give and take, and Rollag suggests starting by helping other people meet their needs. “Many of the things we want in friendships–trust, reliability, integrity–have their basis in reciprocity,” he says. “Figure out what other people want and help them get it, and you’ve predisposed them to see you as a potential friend.”

Be proactive and ask people to get together, or let people know that you’re looking for activities to join, adds Boese. “You’ll be surprised how many people are open to having you join one of their weekend activities,” he says.

Follow up. Relationships are built largely on logging time together, so be thoughtful about how to stay in touch, says Nelson. “Before leaving one get-together, say, ‘This was such fun and I’d like to get to know you better, could we schedule it now and avoid the email back-and-forth?’” she suggests. You can also send an email the next day, thanking them for their time, or set a reminder in your calendar for a date they mentioned of something coming up, such as a surgery or birthday, and email them to let them know you’re thinking of them.

One of the keys to turning an acquaintance into a friend is consistency, adds Boese. “Don’t let more than two weeks go by without seeing them,” he says. “If you spend time with someone and then don’t talk to them for a month, it’s going to be tough to keep them in the friend zone.”

Say “yes” to invitations (even when you want to say “no”). People who make friends easily view events as opportunities to meet people, says Nelson.

“Remind yourself to choose based on what you value or hope for, not based on how you feel in the moment,” she says. “Like exercise, if left to only when we felt like it, we’d often opt for a quiet night in instead of the chance to connect.”

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How To Be A Better Friend, Even When You’re Busy

By Laura Vanderkam, Fast Company, March 17, 2016:

Get Elisabeth McKetta and Cathy Doggett on the phone together and they can’t stop laughing. Soon they are finishing each other’s sentences about events that happened a decade ago. They met as young roommates and have stayed close, despite busy work schedules, growing families, and the distance: McKetta lives in Boise, Idaho, and Doggett in Austin, Texas. “I talk with Elisabeth more than probably anyone who lives in our town,” says Doggett. Their weekly phone conversations cover goals and notes from their two-person book club.

The relationship hasn’t always been perfect. There was that time McKetta didn’t return three phone calls in a row, and the time she and her husband accidentally rented their house out on Airbnb when Doggett was scheduled to visit (“Cathy has been a great role model to me on how not to be flaky,” says McKetta). But neither can imagine life without the other. Their friendship “enriches my whole life. It helps me see the whole world in a broader way,” says Doggett.

It’s the kind of friendship many people would love to have. The problem is that during the busy years of building careers and raising families, “setting aside time for friends can feel self-indulgent or even selfish,” says Irene S. Levine, PhD, psychologist and professor of psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine and producer of The Friendship Blog. But “a number of studies have shown that friends are vital to our physical health and emotional well-being,” Levine says. “They provide concrete and intangible support to make these busy years easier and more enjoyable.”

Here are ways to be a good friend, even when you’ve got a lot going on.

GO BIG. Paradoxically, big get-togethers can be easier to prioritize than smaller ones. Jane Theriault, an assistant professor of psychology who lives outside of Boston, gets together with her former sorority sisters annually. They block the time off a year in advance. “The weekend is treated like a huge priority, like a wedding, and we rotate the location based on people’s needs,” she says. Now husbands and boyfriends and kids come too. Involving the family reduces the guilt factor, and when significant others become friends, this tightens ties. If you’ve got a friend group you’d like to cultivate, become the instigator of such a trip. Eventually it will take on a life of its own.

GET IT ON THE CALENDAR, AGAIN AND AGAIN. One-off events take a lot of effort to plan. Recurring ones don’t. Sarah Baldwin, a university administrator who lives in Kentucky, started a book club in order to see friends more regularly. “I am religious about that meeting,” she says. “Sometimes I don’t get to read the book, but I always go. It’s my once-a-month 7:30 to 10:30 social connection. It’s always good conversation and I always leave a stronger person.”

Susan Murray, who lives in Toronto, instituted a weekly coffee date with her best friend while she was finishing her dissertation and starting new work. “We are both busy in different ways, but this time is critical. It gives us permission to stop, breathe, and reflect,” she says. “Our husbands often say, ‘But weren’t you just out for coffee last week?’” That is, of course, the point–making it regular makes it happen.

USE THE PHONE (PART 1). Not everyone likes talking on the phone, and scheduling phone calls can be tough. Kelsey Wharton, a writer, says that “with young kids, the evening is never a good time to talk,” thanks to dinner, bedtime, and exhaustion. “But my work lunch break is, or a weekend if I know to expect it.” Structuring these phone calls can be helpful, too. Wharton and her best friend consider their conversations “professional development calls” as they share career advice.

Baldwin likewise says, “I often use my time at work, when I have child care, to schedule a 90-minute conversation once a month with one of my ‘soul’ friends.” She works plenty of nights and weekends, so the time all evens out.

USE THE PHONE (PART 2). Even if you can’t talk, you can text. A simple “I’m thinking of you” is a much nicer way to pass the time in the Starbucks line than looking at email (again).

A number of friend groups I interviewed also suggested group texting as a way to stay in touch. Theriault’s friends use it constantly. “It works way better than email because it’s instant–easy to see and respond.”

PRACTICE RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS. If you’ve got a few minutes, “a handwritten card, a loaf of banana bread, or a treat bought from a local bakery is a nice way to say, ‘Thinking of you,’ and it doesn’t take a lot of time,” says Wharton. Everyone loves gifts, especially if they’re given just because.

USE SOCIAL MEDIA. Facebook can’t replace real human contact. Says Levine, “Friendships require face time and can’t totally rely on electronic communications. Technology is additive, not a substitute.”

But if you do treat it as an additive, social media tools can keep friendships going in between visits. Deborah Ring, a Rhode Island-based proofreader, has remained close with five girlfriends from college for over two decades. Spread all over the country, “We rarely get to spend time together in person,” she says. But “over the last few years we have used Facebook Messenger to keep in almost daily contact.” They use it to support each other and stay close. For instance, “One of the ladies took part in the Arnold Weightlifting competition in Columbus, Ohio, this weekend. Another one of our group traveled with her and sent us videos of her lifts in real time. It was almost like being there to cheer her on in person.”

DOUBLE-UP. Helena Weiss-Duman, who works at UC Berkeley, gets together with a group of friends in the San Francisco area for dinner once a month. In between, she always aims to “hit a double or a triple,” she says. That means multitasking in a nice way: “You have to do this thing, invite a friend along.” If she’s running an errand, or trying an exercise class, she tries not to go solo.

Baldwin notes that she has to eat anyway, so “I almost always have lunch with someone.” That’s straightforward with work friends, but she will sometimes invite other friends with more during-the-day flexibility to join her at the university cafeteria.

BE CHOOSY. Not all relationships can last through the busy years, and not all should. But keep in mind that we’re often biased towards meeting new people, when we might gain just as much value (or more) from investing time in existing friendships. Wharton, who has two young children, says, “I love to meet new people, but I have to really balance my interest in starting a new relationship with someone versus maintaining current relationships. Should I really ask someone to coffee if I’m already stressed about when I’d find the time?” Friendships should energize you, so when time is tight, it’s best to invest your time and energy in the relationships you know already enrich your life.

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Being a Friend

a compilation


A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.—Proverbs 17:171

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Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.—1 Thessalonians 5:112

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[A] suggestion from Saint Paul’s longing is that the very heart of true Christian friendship is helpfulness. We begin to be like Christ only when we begin to desire to do others good. The world’s ideal is, “Every man for himself,” but Christ set a new standard for His followers. We are to look upon every one we meet with the question in our hearts, “What can I do for this man? How can I serve him? In what way can I do him good, help him, comfort him, and strengthen him?” We are always to hold ourselves ready to show the kindness of love to every human being that crosses our path. He may not need us—but then he may—and if he does, we must not fail to give him the help he needs.

We do not know how many of those whom we meet any day do need us. There may be none of the great crying needs which kindle compassion in all human breasts. We may go for years and come upon no one lying wounded by the wayside. But there are needs just as real as these, and perhaps quite as tragic. There are hearts that are discouraged, needing cheer, that they faint not. There are people who are tempted, wavering, and ready to fall. There are those who are carrying a burden of sorrow, crying out for comfort. There are those who are hungry for love.

There are always opportunities for helping, and the world needs nothing more than men and women who are ready to respond to each call for love’s gentle ministry. … Is it higher thought of friendship that most of us put into our conception of what belongs to the mission of friendship? We should not forget that if we are Christians, we represent Christ in this world. He would reach other lives through us. He would pour His grace into other hearts through our hearts. In all this world there is no other privilege more sacred than that of being a friend to another person. When God sends us someone in this holy way, we should lift up our hearts in reverent and grateful recognition of the honor conferred upon us. We should think also of the responsibility which this trust puts upon us. We stand in Christ’s place to the life that looks to us in love and confidence and waits for the help we are to bring, the comfort we are to minister, the blessing we are to impart. One speaks thus to a friend whom God had sent:

“God never loved me in so sweet a way before;
’Tis He alone who can such blessings send;
And when His love would new expression find,
He brought thee to me and said, ‘Behold a friend!”

But if you are the friend thus sent from God to another, think what it will mean to fill the sacred place. What are you going to be as a friend to the one who looks to you with hungry heart for strength, for encouragement, for inspiration, for help? What have you to give that will make life the richer? What touches of beauty are you going to put upon the soul that is nestling in the shadow of your friendship?—J. R. Miller3

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What is a friendship but a relationship? Good relationships make life worth living, for it is through relationships that we grow as people, learn to trust and love, and become who we were always meant to be. That’s why a key element of being a leader as a friend is building relationships.

How, then, do you begin building great relationships so that you can lead as a friend?

The first thing I’d suggest is to learn to be an encourager. Think about the last time someone complimented you on something. Didn’t you turn it over and over in your mind, savoring the words?

Sure. Encouragement encourages!

Think about how you feel when people say things like this to you:
“That was fantastic. You did a great job.”
“Man, I could never do something like that. You’re the best.”
“Thanks for helping out. You made things go smoothly.”
“You know, I think you’ve improved at that a hundred percent.”

Don’t such words make you feel worthwhile? You can be an encourager simply by letting those compliments hang out everywhere.

Encouragement is simple. Just think of something good, uplifting, or helpful to say. And then say it.—John C. Maxwell with Mark Littleton4

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Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.—Ecclesiastes 4:9–125

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Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.—Proverbs 27:176

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The Lord is leading us more and more into the type of relational witnessing where both parties have something to give and both parties are receiving. This takes building a relationship of trust, of friendship, if you will, where you each have something valuable to offer the other. It’s a relationship built more on the principle of, “Let’s each of us help the other with what we need. Just as you give to me, I want to give to you. I want to learn from you, and if I’m a good friend to you, you may want to learn from me too."

In some ways, interacting warmly and lovingly with people is our natural bent. In our life for the Lord and service to Him we have learned that He wants us to give of ourselves. However, truly caring for others takes time and effort, prayer, and continued interest. Time is precious, and when we show our willingness to take our time and expend it on another person, it can have a profound impact—whether you put your time into prayer, or getting a message from the Lord, or writing a recommendation for them, or thinking about what kind of appreciation you can offer, or what you can do to help the person in practical ways that they need and appreciate. Whatever the Lord might show you to do, it will not go unnoticed.—Maria Fontaine7

Published on Anchor October 2013. Read by Jerry Paladino.
Music by Michael Dooley.


1 ESV.

2 ESV.

3 The Lesson of Love (London: Hodder & Stoughton, 1903).

4 Leading as a Friend (Nashville, TN: Tommy Nelson, 2001).

5 ESV.

6 ESV.

7 Originally published June 2012.

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A Letter to My Friends!

Dear Friend,

I had wanted to write a personal letter to you for some time as you have been on my heart. I remember our friendship from the past and our common experiences together. I had wanted to finish “My Story” and send you a copy, but how does time speed by. As a result I have decided to send you this letter. Actually, it is a reply to someone who wrote me asking for more information about the organization I am a member of. After writing it, I thought I could use it as a general letter to my old friends. I hope life has treated you kindly. We each have our own experiences which make us who we are and are becoming. I am sorry I am not able write to you personally but promise if you write, I will do.

Here is the letter I sent. It has some thoughts I wanted to share with you, also. Please take time to read it.

Thank you for your letter which I opened today. Thank you for your honesty and sincerity.

I am sorry to say that there is not a TFI office in your area for you to visit, in fact, there are very few TFI offices at this time. I can see two options for you to take at this moment. The first would be that you could start to frequent the new TFI website at http://portal.tfionline.com/. Here you will find as much spiritual feeding as you desire.

Our main goal as members of TFI is to help connect people to Jesus. Dear friend, if you have not prayed the prayer of salvation yet, I would like to invite you to right now. Jesus said he stands at the door of our heart and knocks. If anyone hears His voice and opens the door He will come in and have fellowship with him. (Revelations 3:20) Jesus is knocking at your heart´s door and wants to come in. Our body is of the flesh, but our essence is spiritual. God has created us with a spiritual void within our hearts which He alone can fill and satisfy. That longing that we experience where nothing in this life ultimately fulfills is that longing for God.

Jesus said on the cross, "I thirst." Humanity is thirsting for God, for their spirituality and the answer very simply is that Jesus is the answer. From the time of Adam and Eve in the Garden, man has been fooled into

thinking that eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil would make him wise and become as "gods." All of man´s eating from that tree has only brought us further and further from the simplicity which is in Christ.

God is love. God is a spirit. God is the spirit of love that longs to embrace every aspect of our lives. Jesus was the embodiment of the Spirit of God. He said, "I and the Father are one." He said, "I am the way, the truth and the life, no man comes to the Father, but by me." Dear friend, in all our trying to be good and righteous we fail. We cannot obtain unto God through our own fleshly efforts. We fall short and face our own lacks, impurities, selfishness, etc. We are separated from God and in our own strength cannot reach up to Him.

But God in His love and mercy has given us a way to salvation. God, the creator of the universe of time, space and matter, has stepped into the universe in the form of Jesus Christ, thus fulfilling over 300 prophecies in the Old Testament. Jesus walked among men performing many infallible miracles, the ultimate being His resurrection from the dead. His words and doctrines were not difficult and speak to the hearts of all men. He loves you Dear Friend, and wants to abide in your heart and live and work through you. One day, when you leave this earthly life He wants you to reunite with Him in His Heavenly realm.

You see, my friend, only God can give meaning to this meaningless world in which we live today. Peter said, "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you shall be saved."(Acts 16:31) Paul said it on this wise, "If you shall confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and shall believe in your heart, that God has raised Him from the dead, you shall be saved. For with the heart man believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord, shall be saved" (Romans 10: 9, 10&13)

God wants to live and dwell in us and with us and just requires that we willingly ask Him in. John says, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)

Please prayer the following prayer with me, or something similar, if you have yet to experience the love of God in Jesus: "Dear Jesus, Please forgive me for the mistakes and sins I have made in my life. I have hurt others and have been selfish. I have been unable to keep myself holy. I have failed myself and others. Please wash away my sins with your blood from the cross. I now open up my heart and ask you to come in. Dwell in me and live in me. Fill me with your Holy Spirit that I might be come your follower, your disciple. I need you Jesus. Thank you. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen."

Dear Friend, if you have sincerely prayed this prayer, or one similar from your heart, Jesus has come into you as He said He would and will abide with you. He has already given you the gift of eternal life with Him in Heaven for eternity. The battle for your eternal soul is over and you are now Jesus´ forever. As Jesus said to Nicodemus, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16) You now have that everlasting life. You now have Jesus in you.

Jesus went on to say to Nicodemus, "For God sent not His Son into the world to condemn it, but that the world through Him might be saved. He that believes on Him is not condemned: but he that believes not is condemned already.... And this is the condemnation that light is come into the world and men loved darkness, rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone that does evil hates the light, neither comes to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved. But he that does truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are made in God." (John 3:17-21) My friend, as a new born Christian you need to learn to abide in Christ. You need to learn to drink of the sincere milk of his word that you might grow thereby as Peter has said. (1 Peter 2:2)

Jesus said, " If any man loves me, he will keep my words: and my father will love him, and we will come unto him and make our abode with him." (John 14:23) As I said earlier you can find much feeding reading on the TFI website.

The second option, if you prefer to read on paper, is the formation course we have available in Portuguese. This formation course includes 7 booklets of approximately one hundred pages each. If you are interested in taking the course I could mail it to you one book at the time at a cost of 20 Euros per booklet including postage. If you are interested in receiving the certification for the course, after each book, I would ask you to write a 500-1000 word reaction answering some simple questions.

For those interested in a Bible course in English, I have available the 12 Foundation Stones Bible Study Course. The course booklet is 30 Euros plus postage. You would need to buy the supplementary booklets from http://www.auroraproduction.com/ which go for about $7. There about 13 optional books although all are not presently available. They also have beautiful music available. A monthly magazine called Activated in English can be subscribed at http://portal.tfionline.com/en/ or at http://www.activated.org/en/. If you prefer reading on line the above link has much feeding reading at Anchor and Director´s Corner and throughout the site free of charge.

The magazine Contato in Portuguese can be read on line on facebook at www.facebook.com/groups/187143591333710/ or type in “a famillia internacional” or order a paper copy from us at a cost of 20 Euros a year. At http://www.contato.org/ you can order additional books and cds for listening.



I hope this has been a help. If you have any other questions, please let me know. I am looking forward to hearing from you again. Yours sincerely, Dennis



PS: You could visit my website at http://fightforyourfaith.blogspot.pt/ or http://www.slideshare.net/DennisMolinski/newsfeed where I have articles in both English and Portuguese.

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