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A Doctor’s Depression

How God Became My Healer

Original Article found here: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/a-doctors-depression

Article by 

Kathryn Butler

Regular contributor

During my year in the ICU as I trained as a trauma surgeon, the threat of tragedy loomed daily. Every morning, I would tweak ventilator settings and titrate drips in desperate attempts to keep people alive. When all efforts failed, the afternoon would find me in a conference room, walking a tearful family through horrific news. My voice would crack as I explained the limits of our science, outlined the grim details of dying, and offered meager words of condolence. During the worst weeks, these meetings occurred three to four times a day.

Yet, even with the heaviness and grief these days in the ICU imposed, my greatest challenge awaited me on the nightly drive home. Every evening, I’d pass an exit for a highway leading to the mountains. I knew that down that road, miles away, a bridge spanned the Connecticut River. And every night, I’d fight the impulse to take that exit, drive to that bridge, and throw myself over the railing.

When Living Feels Like Dying

As a doctor, when depression first took its furtive hold of me, I knew what was happening. In medical school, I studied the signs and symptoms of the disorder. I understood the complicated interplay of neurobiology, life events, and mood, and I could remember specific patients I’d interviewed who left the hospital with renewed smiles after treatment. I knew the help I needed and how to access it.

Still, all that knowledge didn’t lessen the pain. Living felt like dying. I’d lost the capacity for delight, and the things that once thrilled my heart — a sunrise glowing on the horizon or a favorite song — lost their power. Daily, I struggled to complete the mundane tasks of getting out of bed and driving to work. Daily, I wrangled with a deep, gnawing emptiness and despaired over the words that repeated in my mind like a terrible refrain: nothing matters.

Although I knew remedies for depression, I had no antidote for these words. At the time, I didn’t believe God existed. And without him, indeed, nothing mattered.

Confronted with Evil

This first — and worst — episode of depression was a fundamentally spiritual struggle. Depression runs in my family, and as one who tends to brood, I’ve always had a personality ripe for it. Yet it was a moment of existential crisis in the ER, about a year before my time in the ICU, that dragged me from melancholy into unrelenting darkness.

One evening during my residency, I cared for three teenagers who’d all been assaulted — one with a baseball bat, one with a knife, and one with a bullet. I fought to save all of them and failed each time. As I staggered out of the room of the last boy, my already flimsy belief in God blew apart like autumn leaves in a buffeting wind. How could God allow such evil? I thought. With no foundation in Scripture and no understanding of the gospel, I had no answers for such a troubling question. The next morning, I drove into the mountains, stood on that bridge arcing over the Connecticut River, and tried to pray. When no words floated into my head in response, I decided God was silent because he didn’t exist.

Thereafter, depression dug its claws into my heart. I discerned no purpose in life, no meaning, and no hope. Everything seemed awash in gray, as if someone had siphoned away all joy and color. A withheld sob perpetually tightened my chest. The smallest of routines felt arduous, even agonizing. And every day, while I drifted through care for the dying, I dreamed of returning to the bridge in the mountains and giving up my own life.

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

Although I’d rejected God, he stayed faithful to me in lovely brushstrokes of grace. Every night when I fought the impulse to take that exit toward the river, he brought my loving husband, Scott, to mind. Although despondency clouded my thinking, I still had enough clarity to know my suicide would shatter him. And so, every evening when the exit sign tempted me, God reminded me of the kind, selfless husband who awaited me — and I would draw a breath and steer home.

Then, when I was at my lowest and life seemed a never-ending shadow, God gave me what my broken soul needed most: himself.

I was caring for a gentleman with a severe brain injury in the ICU, whom neurologists thought would never walk, talk, eat, or smile again. Against all our predictions and knowledge, he made a full recovery in response to a prayer in Jesus’s name. I still can’t explain this healing medically, but I know that, through it, God alerted me to his presence and sovereign power.

“Faith has provided me with an anchor, a safe harbor in which to weather the storm.”

I dove into study of religious texts and finally, at Scott’s urging, turned to the Bible — where a reading of Romans 5:1–8 reduced me to tears. For over a year, questions of suffering had jettisoned my hope. Now, through an ancient book that sat neglected on my shelf for years, I encountered the living, almighty God whose steadfast love never ceases (Lamentations 3:23–24) and who works through suffering — even through the suffering of his beloved Son — for our good and his glory (Romans 8:28).

For so long, I had denied God and wallowed in darkness. But God never released his hold on me (Ephesians 2:1–9). In his faithfulness, by his exquisite love and grace, he drew me gently into his light.

Hope to Endure

My recovery from depression wasn’t instantaneous. Just as the illness crept upon me insidiously, so also the climb out of the gloom was long and painstaking. Even after God brought me to himself, I needed an antidepressant to muster the energy and clarity to do the next thing. Scott’s patience and support were essential, as was the guidance of a pastor when I eventually wandered into a church. Gradually, ploddingly, with professional help, much love from friends, and a steady diet of God’s word, the light dawned again. And when it did, how I rejoiced at God’s mercy!

As so often happens in depression, the light did not always stay. Depression is often a recurring illness, with further episodes lurking down the path, waiting to pounce. I struggled through the darkness again after the birth of my daughter, when my own antibodies attacked my thyroid gland. Another time, it descended without clear warning or provocation, seizing me while I watched my kids clambering through a wooden castle at a playground. Both times, the symptoms were just as debilitating as the first, and the joylessness just as painful. Becoming a Christian didn’t cure me of my depression or grant me immunity against it ever occurring again.

Yet faith has provided me with an anchor, a safe harbor in which to weather the storm. When I’m depressed, God’s presence feels remote, but thanks to truths revealed in Scripture, I know, despite my diseased perception, that he is with me (Isaiah 41:10; Matthew 28:20). I know he will never leave me or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). I know he has carried me through such shadowy valleys before and has promised to remain by my side, guiding me back toward the light (Psalm 23:4). Such promises and assurances of God’s love are lifelines when misery clouds the vision and darkens the heart.

Dear friend, if the bleakness of depression envelops you, cling to God’s word. Earmark Psalms that reveal his mercy, his sovereignty, and his steadfast love and faithfulness. Return to them as the deer returns to the clear, cool stream (Psalm 42:1).

Know that you are not alone. Help is available. A return to the light is possible. If the darkness so enshrouds you that you contemplate taking your own life, tell someone, and with their help call the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988, day or night. Other avenues for help include your primary doctor, the emergency room, or Christian counseling sites such as Anchored Hope or the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation.

When depression enshrouds you, and even when you cannot discern a way forward, know that hope in him endures (1 Peter 1:3–5) and that in Christ nothing — not even the throes of depression — can tear you away from his love (Romans 8:38–39).

Kathryn Butler is a trauma and critical care surgeon turned writer and homeschooling mom. She is author of The Dream Keeper Saga. She and her family live north of Boston.

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The Tough College Years - Chapter 4

 

The Tough College Years

Before getting started with the following chapter, I need to write a disclaimer. The title here is The Tough College Years. But by no means were they as tough as my fellow American colleagues were experiencing, who were fighting and dying by the tune of 5,000 a year in Vietnam. My friend Ronnie Santoro [1] was one of them. He joined the US Marines after high school and didn’t make it through a year in combat. Real war is not like a video game where you just “start over.”

Neither were those supposedly tough college years as tough as those that the poor Vietnamese civilians faced during that same period, or many other poor, undernourished oppressed populations faced elsewhere around the world. But they were tough for me as I looked death in the eyes in the form of suicide. It was during those years that my world view became atheistic and existential. One of the logical conclusions from that belief system was, why live? But before we get further into that question, we’ll start the chapter as I had originally written it. Here we go.

Moving to Marietta College in Marietta, Ohio in September of 1967 was the beginning of a new life. I was thrown into a society in which I was a “nobody.” No one knew I was president of my senior class. No one knew I was on the Central Jersey Group III State Champion football team. No one knew my girlfriend was secretary of the student body and a cheerleader. No one knew my best friend was president of the student body. No one knew what or who I was. An identity crisis was in full gear.

It was some time in that first year, that my former girlfriend came and told me she had another boyfriend. I was destroyed. Here I had been trying to keep all the church rules against premarital sex and the thing that I loved the most, my girlfriend, “God” took from me and gave to another. I fell into a deep depression. I was mad at “God.” I stopped believing in Him and threw away my "religious" faith and threw myself into atheism, evolution and political anarchy. I had been taking a geology course that first year that fed me evolution and “billions of years.” I swallowed it all in as a rational justification for our existence without the need of a “God.” I began attacking the faith of Christian girls I would date. I tried to convert others to my new-found beliefs proving through science that the Bible was wrong.

It was during my sophomore year that my close call with death came. My required geology course in my freshman year had given me justification for my rejection of God. I was, as Richard Dawkins explained, an intellectually satisfied atheist. Darwinian evolution and millions of years had given me an alternative to the Biblical creation story. 

In my psychology course we were studying, among others, Freud with his psychoanalysis, and Skinner with his psychological behaviorism, which was sort of the equivalent to psychological dialectic materialism. In Comparative Religion the head of the Religion department showed he was more emotionally excited about the “truths” of Buddhism than in the words of Jesus Christ. In my course on Modern European Novels, we were reading Kafka, Sartre and Camus with their atheistic existential meaningless-life world view. 

With all the negative input I was having, it was no wonder, one bleak winter afternoon that I decided to drive my car off the bridge between Marietta, Ohio and Parkersburg, West Virginia and into the Ohio River. Like George Bailey in the film It’s a Wonderful Life,[2] I had gotten to end of myself and just wanted to end it all. But as the car began its course across the ice-covered bridge, at the moment when I was to jerk the wheel to the right and break through the protective fence into the water, I saw, in my mind’s eye, the face of my dear Aunt Ida. 

It had been just a few months earlier when Ida had taken me in her arms and asked me, “What’s the matter, Dennis?” I couldn’t answer, as I couldn’t open up to her and share what was going on inside me. I had been a quiet and shy person throughout my life. In fact, I was plagued with timidity. But Ida took it all in stride, and tenderly sang I Love You a Bushel and a Peck and a Hug around the Neck.[3] As she rocked me in her arms, to that old familiar song she had used to sing to put me to sleep when I was just a wee little tot, I felt loved.

Because of the love my Aunt Ida had manifested to me, at that moment on the bridge, I knew I couldn’t kill myself. Even though my atheism and my existentialism seemed to cry “Just Do It,” I couldn’t. Somebody loved me. Ida loved me, and because Ida loved me, that meant love existed. I had felt it in Ida’s arms. If love existed, life wasn’t meaningless. Life was worth living. I just needed to keep on searching for the answers. 

If life doesn’t seem worth living for you at the moment, maybe Nick Vujicic’s inspirational YouTube video will encourage you. Whatever you do, don’t give up![4]

I need to reiterate here that my parents were loving people. My mother often received into our home the individual woman neighbors who would confide in her their problems. My father was a happy, helpful person who was always making conversation with strangers in the supermarket or doing some shopping for one of the neighbors. But coming from a Polish family, we weren’t a very affectionate family. My parents didn’t give me hugs, or my grandparents. However, Ida did, as well as my Godmother Aunt Dolores. 

In the 1980s, psychologist Dr. Virginia Satir shared with the 4,000 delegates of the American Orthopsychiatric Association the results of tests concerning the affects of hugging.[5] Research had shown that as the amount of hugs a person received increased, so their psychological health and happiness also increased.

The study concluded that 4 hugs a day were needed for survival, while 8 hugs were required for psychological, mental and emotional maintenance. For growth and happiness, 12 hugs a day were necessary. I think the “Free Hug” movement evolved from the above research. In Portugal we have a national association called “Abraços,” or “Hugs,”[6] based on the same idea with the goal of helping people infected by the AIDS virus.

Parents, please hug your children. I recently read a regret list where one of the regrets was “I wish I had hugged my wife, my children, my friends and my loved ones more often. I wish I had shown more physical affection for my loved ones.” I think we could all be more loving and do more to show our love through hugs and other forms of physical affection. 

Three and a half years ago, as I was about to go to sleep, at around 12 midnight, I received a telephone call. It was one of those calls you don’t want anyone to receive. My twenty-seven year old son had gone missing. He hadn’t showed up for work. His friends found his clothing on the beach not far from their rented bungalow. He was a good worker, conscientious, a good son and I was proud of him. Yet, I couldn’t remember when was the last time I had told him, “Martin, I love you,” or “Martin, I’m proud of you.” I couldn’t remember the last time I had hugged him and showed him in a tangible way that I loved him.

Of course, the Lord is always a very present help in time of trouble. I was surprised how He helped me get through the perhaps most difficult event of my life, my son’s death. I prayed. I read the Bible. I spent time praising. But His most present help came in the form of the hugs I received, the physical affection that I received, the love I received sometimes from total strangers.

After I arrived in the Bermudas, where my son had been working, I made my way to the place where he had been employed. While asking directions, I told the young heavy-set black Bermudian cashier that I was the father of the young man who had recently drowned. Without hesitating she said, “Do you mind if I come around from the cashier counter and give you a hug?” And so it happened various times in the days that followed. The physical affection I received in the form of hugs from people I did not even know, the love that I received, was the single most identifiable factor to me being able to overcome the utter sadness and lost I felt. Friends, please hug your loved ones. They need it and you need it. We all need it and we will be better persons for showing affection to others.

Now let’s get back to the story.

It was a few months after my aborted suicide attempt, while smoking hashish with a close friend, when I had my "God" experience. I want to make it clear here I am not advocating taking drugs to find God, but God used that experience on my path to Him. I recently asked a friend of mine if he had a similar experience while doing drugs. His answer was, yes, he did. But he had also had some very bad experiences - bad, demonic trips. It was the bad trips that assured him the Devil was real and caused him to search more desperately for God.

Here’s what happened to me. In a vision, I saw a small ball of light in the upper corner of the room. I was talking to my close friend Chris Smith at the moment. He was using some kind of encounter psychology to help me to open up. Finally, I reached out and touched his arm and said, “Yes, Chris, I need help!” At that very moment, with my confession of desperate need, the ball of light descended from the corner of the room and embraced me. Instantly, I was enveloped in an energy-field of unexplainable love. It was like a spiritual orgasm, a spiritual epiphany. My whole being had been transformed in an instance. It was kind of like what was visualized in the movie Cocoon[7] when the main male actor has “alien sex” with the beautiful female alien. 

My first thought was "Is this what Jesus is all about?" From that moment on I knew love was the power and the force of the universe. On that day, I went home and apologized to my parents for the way I had acted as a rebellious teen, even having fought with my father twice during my teen years. All I wanted to do was to love others. But now I had to consolidate my experience and find out where this power of love came from.

I started searching through different religious philosophies for truth. Buddhism was one of the first to catch my interest. I studied the eight-fold path of Siddhartha. I read Herman Hesse´s books which contained Buddhist philosophy. I became an organic vegetarian. I also dabbled in Judaism as I had a Jewish girlfriend for a time. I read heavily on transcendental meditation and used as my spiritual guides, the books Be Here Now by Ram Dass, Siddhartha by Herman Hesse, The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, and Erich Fromm´s The Art of Loving, among others. I steered clear of Christian Evangelicals and Christianity and Catholicism which I assumed to be false because of the hypocritical actions of their followers and my previous experiences in childhood.

However, the question of war and my involvement in it, as I was due to be drafted after my four-year college deferment ended, led me to start reading heavily on the subject of conscientious objection to war and draft resistance. In my reading, I came across Leo Tolstoy’s Letter to a Non-Commissioned Officer,[8] and The Kingdom of God is Within You.[9] As Tolstoy mentions the teaching of Christ from the Sermon on the Mount in these writings, I started to read and study Jesus´ own words found in chapters 5-7 of the Gospel of Matthew in the New Testament.

In June of 1971, I graduated from Marietta College with a Bachelors of Arts degree in History and was on the Dean’s List with a straight B average. But by the month of October I had been denied conscientious objector status by the military, and after refusing to take the various pre-entrance examinations, I had been ordered to appear for induction into the US military or face the consequences. My mother, God bless her soul, telephoned me at the end of October telling me the FBI had been around to arrest me as I had not appeared for induction on the date specified.

I was working as a low-salaried teacher of special needs children in Marietta, Ohio at the time. However, when I put down the phone from speaking to my mom, I dropped to my knees and with tears falling from my eyes called out with all my heart to "God," if He indeed existed, to save me. I was not asking Him to save my soul, but to save me from the problem of having to go into the military, to save me from having to kill and/or be killed in Vietnam. But after having prayed, I rose from my knees and spit on the floor and said, "There’s no God, so why am I praying?"

But I was soon to find out that God does answer prayer when we call upon Him with all our heart, even if our mind sometimes gets in the way.

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Medical records: Germanwings copilot was on heavy anti-depressant drugs

Henry Samuel, The Telegraph, Apr. 2, 2015

Andreas Lubitz, the rogue pilot who brought down a plane in the French Alps last week, lied to doctors by telling them he was on sick leave when he was still flying commercial airliners, according to German reports.

The 27-year-old who locked his captain out of their Germanwings Airbus A320 and slammed the plane into the Alps last Tuesday, killing 150, was on medication so strong that patients are advised not to drive a car, let alone fly a commercial plane, according to Bild, the German daily.

Side effects also include an increased risk of suicide.

Lubitz had sought medical attention to try to cure an eye condition, the paper reported.

Though he gave doctors information about his job as a pilot, and in some cases about his employer, he deliberately hid the fact that he was still working, Bild said, citing sources close to the investigation.

Documents also reportedly revealed that Lubitz recounted being involved in a car crash at the end of 2014 in which he suffered injuries when his airbag opened. Since the accident, he had complained of trauma and impaired hearing and vision.

“He stated during medical treatment that, among other things, it often appeared dark around him,” Bild wrote.

He underwent an MRI scan on his brain, but no significant damage was found.

According to medical records, Lubitz said he was taking medicines to treat depression, anxiety disorders, and panic attacks, the paper said, adding the drugs were an antidepressant and the tranquilizer Lorazepam.

Medical experts say it can also increase the risk of self-harm at the start of treatment.

Police searching Lubitz’s flat last week reportedly found a “small mountain of pills,” suggesting he may not have been taking his medication.

How often and how much of them he took forms a major part of the criminal probe into the crash, Bold said.

Lorazepam belongs to a class of drugs called benzodiazepines. These treat a variety of conditions including anxiety, sleeping problems, and other mental-health disorders.

Patients with psychiatric issues are warned it could lead to changes in behaviour.

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Suicide kills one person worldwide every 40 seconds, WHO report finds

Sarah Boseley, The Guardian, 4 September 2014

One person in the world dies by suicide every 40 seconds, according to the first ever comprehensive report on the issue from the World Health Organisation, which talks of a massive toll of tragic and preventable deaths.

Suicide rates vary enormously from one country to another around the world—influenced by the cultural, social, religious and economic environments in which people live and sometimes want to stop living. Some of the worst affected countries have more than 40 times more suicides than the least affected areas. But the pressures that cause extreme emotional distress are similar everywhere and there are measures all governments can take to make suicide less likely, says the WHO.

Overall, the Geneva-based UN body estimates that there are at least 800,000 suicides a year. But many countries do not collect good data, there is huge stigma and in a handful of nations suicide is still illegal, so it is highly likely the numbers are an underestimate. Criminalising suicide does not prevent it—India, where it is illegal, has one of the higher suicide rates in the world at almost 21 deaths per 100,000 people against a global average of 11.

Suicide is the second leading cause of death among young people aged 15-29, but otherwise suicide rates increase in people older than 50. It is more common in men than in women, although the disparity is greater in rich countries than in poorer ones. Three-quarters of suicides occur in low- and middle-income countries, with higher numbers in central and eastern Europe and in Asia. North Korea has the very high suicide rate of 39.5 per 100,000 people, but South Korea’s is almost as high, at 36.6. Catholic countries and those with large numbers of Muslims tend to have lower rates because of the opposition to suicide of their religion. People experiencing conflict, abuse and isolation and those suffering discrimination, such as refugees, migrants and those suffering prejudice because of their sexuality are all at increased risk.

For every death, there are many more people who try to kill themselves. Having attempted suicide is the biggest risk factor for dying by suicide at some point in the future. It is a clear cry for help, which governments are urged to pick up on.

Whether it is a mental health crisis, financial desperation, the death of a child or the breakdown of a relationship that triggers the thought of suicide, there is still often an opportunity to stop it, says the WHO.

“Suicidal tendencies are transitory,” said Dr Shekhar Saxena, director of the department of mental health and substance abuse at the WHO and an author of the report. “People who have an intense desire to commit suicide grab the nearest possible means. If you can restrict their access even for a few hours, you can save a lot of lives. People think about it and talk to people and decide not to do it.”

Most suicides take place in the early morning, perhaps after a sleepless night and before there is anybody around to talk to, or late at night when alcohol may play a part. Nearly one third of people who kill themselves use agricultural pesticides. These are usually farmers in low-income rural areas, who may be facing a loan they cannot repay after a bad harvest. They may have pesticide in a bottle on a shelf in the kitchen. WHO is encouraging governments to take steps to make it much harder for people to obtain such toxic substances.

Other measures to prevent people easily getting access to the means of killing themselves have been adopted in other countries. Painkillers can only now be bought over the counter in limited quantities in the UK, for instance. Some bridges have high fences.

The WHO wants all countries to have a national suicide prevention strategy, which must include reducing access to the means of suicide. Also important are responsible reporting of suicides by the media to avoid the risk of inspiring copycat attempts, alcohol policies, care for people suffering from mental and substance use disorders, chronic pain and emotional distress and the training of health workers in assessing and managing suicidal behaviour.

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How to Defeat Depression!

By Dennis Edwards: Words from Jesus:

It’s a sad day when one of my creations decides that life is not worth the living, that things are just too difficult. My heart weeps for any of my sons or daughters who make such a decision. The sorrow is that it is indeed the wrong decision. You murmur and complain and fall into depression because you have believed the lie that things are not going to get better. They are going to continue as they are now- forever, so what’s the use of living? But the truth is, things do change. Situations do change. Even your attitude towards the situation you find yourself in changes.

How then can you tell when that little voice of conscience is of God or of the enemy? Here’s the answer: when the voice is positive, encouraging, faith building; then it is of me. When the voice is critical, negative, or causes you to be discontent, bitter, or discouraged; that voice is not of me and you must reject it and resist it with all your heart, mind and spirit. Life is what you make of it. Even an aged Pope suffering with Alzheimer can be a good example of suffering graciously.

Life is sacred. People do not want to hear that in today’s secular, materialistic world. They want the freedom to act as they wish, pushing my old traditional guidelines to the wind. They just want to Do It! But life is not something you should take for granted and each life affects many more. You are just passing through this life. It is indeed very short and will soon be gone. Enjoy it! Instead of thinking and worrying about your own personal situation get busy helping others. It’s therapeutic. Forget your own dam self, of course, you have problems and are a hell of a mess. Everyone is.

Put your eyes on me, Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith.[1] I have promised to be with you through all your tribulations. Even the one you are going through now. You can make it, if you call upon me. Like I said to my disciples, “Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest,” or as in the Spanish translation, “make you rest.” “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly of heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”[2]

I have promised that all things that happen unto you I will convert to good, if you will only love me with all your heart.[3] Nothing can separate you from me.[4] Therefore, when the enemy of your soul tempts you to get down and discouraged and you hear that little voice telling you to end it all, call upon me with all your heart. I promise I will come running and I will be with you.[5] Your future is as bright as the promises of God. Comfort yourself by reading my word. Strengthen yourself by listening to encouraging music that is positive, uplifting and reminds you of my promises. There are many good Christian hymns or positive secular songs that can bring you the encouragement that you need.

Be positive. Speak positive. Sing, praise and shout the victory and it will be yours as you draw nigh to me. Do not just sit there and be inactive. Do something. You will not be sorry if you keep on keeping on. Anything wonderful can happen in that little moment of time when you do not give up, when you do not quit. Keep on believing. You will be glad you trusted me tomorrow and so will your loved ones. Keep your eyes on me, not the pit of discouragement. I promise you, I will not fail you nor forsake you.[6] Nothing can or will be able to separate you from my love.[7] I love you. Just meditate on that truth and that alone should help you to fight to live another day. You are needed, right where you are. Do not quit. You will indeed be glad you trusted me, tomorrow! You can remember the words I inspired and were made famous by Charlie Chaplin in the song “Smile.”

Smile though your heart is aching

Smile even though it's breaking.

When there are clouds in the sky

you'll get by.

If you smile through your fear and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through

For you.

Light up your face with gladness,

Hide every trace of sadness.

Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying.

You'll find that life is still worthwhile-

If you just smile.

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying.

You'll find that life is still worthwhile-

If you just smile.[8]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHPDrInbybw

Some other songs you could listen to are listed below:

Josh Groban, “You Raise Me Up!” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oni0tO_HN30
Celine Dion & Josh Groban, “The Prayer” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idtNxZYnxIw
The Gaither Vocal Band, "Because He Lives" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVdEdIDyeaA
Celtic Woman, “You'll Never Walk Alone” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7du-RHGrJrA
Don Quixote, “The Impossible Dream” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfHnzYEHAow
The Gaither Vocal band, “The Love of God” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzDLLSTR9yY
Simon & Garfunkle, “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjNgn4r6SOA
“One Day at a Time” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzAUuX5g6KY
Andrae Crouch, “Through it All” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFzdFzzBqTc
Carrie Underwood, “How Great Thou Art” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLLMzr3PFgk

Footnotes:
[1] Hebrews 12:1-2
[2] Matthew 11:28-30
[3] Romans 8:28
[4] Romans 8:38-39
[5] Jeremiah 33:3
[6] Hebrews 13:5
[7] Romans 8:38-39
[8] http://www.metrolyrics.com/smile-lyrics-charlie-chaplin.html

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Suicide's Sad Solution: Thoughts on Robin William's Death

By Dennis Edwards --

With the death of Robin Williams, I wanted to write something about suicide. Strangely enough, Williams had acted in a film which had suicide and death as its theme called What Dreams May Come with Cuba Gooding Jr. In the film he’s a happily married man when tragedy hits his family with the death of his two children. His wife is especially vulnerable, but with his efforts she seems to be overcoming, when suddenly he himself dies in a car accident. Williams goes off to Heaven and its delights while his wife struggles back on earth only to succumb to negative thinking and eventual suicide. The story involves Williams desire to see his wife and rescue her from the depths of despair in Hell’s Gates. Yahoo today has noted that What Dreams May Come, though not one of William’s more famous films, has received a surprise number of downloads since his unexpected death.

Suicide is always a sad song to sing. To me, every suicide is a mark against humanity. Every suicide is a tragic loss to mankind. Recently a young thirty-two year old adult in our neighborhood committed suicide. He had been a carpenter, but wanted to start his own business, to be the boss and earn more money. But he perhaps was not ready for the difficult decisions the boss needs to make. Perhaps he wasn’t good with finances and under-estimated the cost of the jobs he did. Whatever the reason, he fell behind financially and eventually had to declare insolvency. Unable to find another job, he battled with depression and was prescribed medication. Finally one day in March he went down to the ocean which is very cold here nearly all year round and threw himself in. Like many Portuguese, he wasn’t a good swimmer. His cousins arrived on the scene almost in time to save him. They managed to get him back to land, but were unable to resuscitate him.

I had known his auntie who had died of cancer a few years ago. She was a friendly and generous person. After being diagnosed with brain cancer she died some six months later. But when her nephew died, I asked myself, “Why didn’t I know about it?” I could have gone around to see him as his house was just around the corner only seven houses away. Though I had nothing to do with his death, I nevertheless felt the guilt of not having been more informed, of not having been able to do something to prevent it.

I had a restaurant friend who was found by his family on a recently built bridge over a good sized river that runs next to a small city fifteen kilometers from us. He, too, had been suffering depression after his son’s new business, a discotheque, which he helped to finance, went insolvent. On trying to reduce his medication, he became suicidal, but fortunately was saved by his attentive family. Eventually he and his wife lost their restaurant business which they had inherited from her parents. They have both battled heavily with depression. But after losing what they had been worrying about, they are finally better for it and have adjusted to their new more humble lifestyle.

Finances are often a reason that some choose to end their lives. In a small town north of us a client of mine’s brother ended his life because he was losing his business. She knew nothing about it and was later battling depression and guilt because of it. A beautiful mathematics teacher of thirty-two years in the same small town also chose not to continue living because of marriage problems. She had married her childhood sweetheart, but things turned sour and suicide ended up being her solution. She was also taking anti-depressants which some say have suicidal effects when the prescription is reduced too drastically. A friend of mine’s 25 year old son jumped out a seventeen floor window of their newly bought apartment. He was trying to quit his Ritalin addiction cold turkey and thought he was strong enough to do it. But perhaps he was unknowing of the side effects of the drug, sometimes called “Poor-man’s Coke,” which include suicidal tendencies, especially when reducing former amounts. My own son died also from a swimming accident at the age of twenty-seven about three years ago. So I am familiar with the guilt and heartache that an untimely death can bring.

Just hearing the response to Robin Williams’ death makes one notice that mankind suffers when one of its own chooses to end his or her life. It's a universal feeling of lost and sadness, knowing that a person felt so alone he thought he had no one but death itself to turn to. I myself have often battled with discouragement over my seeming failures in life. Even though one has a relationship with Christ, we can still be tempted with the enemies negative thinking which can very quickly lead us down the wrong path mentally.

What can we do to help this growing infirmity in the world today, the suicide solution, the sad solution, the wrong solution? We can remember that everyone we meet might be a person battling big personal problems. We can try to bring light and happiness into other’s lives even if only with a look, a smile, a touch, or maybe a kind word, so they will know that someone has loved them that day. The Proverbs advise us that “Life and death are in the power of the tongue.”[1] So we should use our tongues for good and not for evil. We should reframe from sarcastic comments which can hurt and discourage others. Proverbs, also, tells us, “Heaviness in the heart of man makes it stoop: but a good word makes it glad.”[2] 

We can use praise and honest compliments to lift up those around us, as each one is carrying his own heavy burden. Another proverb states, “A man shall be satisfied with good by the fruit of his mouth.”[3]The happiness we seek does not come from more possessions, or entertainment or alcohol or drugs. It comes from honest loving fellowship with others where we are truly seeking to help and encourage one another. Maybe that is why Hebrews admonishes, “And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: not forsaking (or neglecting) the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting (or encouraging) one another: and so much the more, as you see the day approaching.”[4]We all need good positive fellowship to grow and be healthy emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.

Proverbs, also, tells us “Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful; and the end of that mirth is heaviness.”[5] That verse seems to apply well to the life of Robin Williams who made us laugh. Maybe his ridiculous antics were his way of getting accepted and getting his need for love fulfilled. But now we see that the end of his laughs was heaviness, as he took to drugs and alcohol for more inspiration, power and comical relief. But finally, it only brought him sadness, loneliness and hopelessness. Don’t let it happen to those in your world. Reach out and lift up that weary soul who walks beside or behind you or in front of you. Be a friend. Be active. Be compassionate. In doing so you might save some other lonely soul along the road of life and in the same time cheer up and do good to your own soul. As the Good Book says, “As you would that men should do to you, do you also to them likewise: [6]for this is the law and the prophets.”[7]

One more thing, if you are able. Help them to find the lover of all lovers who alone can satisfy that deep longing in every human soul for love, understanding and happiness. Jesus is the author and finisher of our faith who waits patiently and tenderly at the door of our hearts for us to answer his quiet knocking. He will never leave you nor forsake. He’ll fill that aching void within your heart that money, success, power and things just don’t satisfy. He’s just that beautiful and it’s just that wonderful. He says, “Taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusts in him.”[8] Won’t you put your trust in Him?

You could pray a little prayer like this: Jesus, I´ve messed up. I just haven’t got it together. I did it my way and it came out bad. The things I’ve worked and lived for have left me empty and unfulfilled. I tried to ignore the spiritual side of things, but now I see I should have given it more attention. Jesus, I really don’t want religion or to be religious. But I need help. I can’t make it any longer. Please Jesus, if you are there, reach down and touch me, like that song they sing. Lord, if you are there, reach down and touch my life and help me to find the reason for my existence. Life must be more than food and clothes and jobs and recreation. I’ve made mistakes and screwed up, sometimes big time. Please help me. If you are out there, please come into my life. Manifest yourself to me. I’m weak in faith, Lord. I don’t even know if you really exist. Jesus, if you really are the Son of God then I need you in my life, to help me to turn things around and find more meaning than I have right now. Please, take the burdens that I’m bearing and give me peace of heart, soul and mind. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen!

If you’ve prayed that prayer or something similar from your own heart in sincerity, then Jesus has come into your life and will soon be manifesting His presence to you, if He hasn’t already. He loves you and promises to stick closer than a brother. He has a whole new wonderful world waiting for you to live and He’ll live it with you, encouraging you along the way! I love you, too. If I could help you in any way please let me know! Keep fighting. It’s worth it if you’ll just hang on a little longer, you won’t be disappointed. Here’s a beautiful song to listen to "He Touched Me:"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5m--ptwd_iI

[1] Proverbs 18:21a
[2] Proverbs 12:25
[3] Proverbs 12:14a
[4] Hebrews 10:24,25
[5] Proverbs 14:13
[6] Luke 6:31
[7] Matthew 7:12b
[8] Psalm 34:8

Write me at dennismedwards@gmail.com

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